...They may just be pressure in disguise.
I have found myself watching a lot of Sex and the City recently, to the point that my brain is starting to chronicle things "Carrie Bradshaw" style - hence the title of this post. If you have never seen the show, Carrie writes a weekly column along that were later published as books, but the columns usually follow the episode marked by a thought-provoking statement or question.
This year has been an emotional one (both positive and negative), but also one that I can only hope will mark a time of growth in my journey. Thus far this year has tested my faith, my inner and outer strength, and my ability to observe happiness (both in myself and others). Yet, it has also been defined by trying to understand expectations - again my own but also others.
This past weekend was the Samaritan Institute's Annual Conference, which is a large gathering of Samaritan personnel (read: mostly clinicians). While it is a tremendous amount of pressure for a perfectionist such as myself, it is also a wonderful time to gather with people I have worked with, largely at a distance, over a number of years. My time with the Institute has been marked by transition, both personal and professional, and all of these changes have brought about the underlying theme of expectations. On the personal front: when are you going to get married? (Done). Now it's when are you going to have a baby? (I have NO BLOODY IDEA). On the professional front: what will happen once you receive your MBA? (I have two classes done out of 12 total, give me a moment to figure it out). While I know there is a caring foundation for each of these questions, it feels as though there are societal and "Samaritan" expectations mixed in. Both areas being tough to navigate.
Setting aside the professional side of things, let me tell you how much fun it is to be a 32 year old, married woman living a 1,000 miles away from her family without a clear answer to the "children question." The first time I met my now father-in-law, he asked me when I was going to give him more grandchildren (he already has one). FIRST TIME. The funny thing is at the time, my thought was something along the lines of, "oh that's nice, he likes me enough to want me to stick around." Yet, nearly three years later, the question, which he has not asked again, is not funny or at all helpful. Rather, it feels as though Danny and I are somehow inadequate because we do not have a public or immediate plan to have children. And do you want to know why - neither of us feel ready!
No amount of societal expectations or pressure from well-meaning family (read: one person) can provide those feelings for me or him. A very dear friend of mine of the same age, just announced that he and his wife are pregnant. After my initial feelings of joy and delight for them, my next thought was I wonder if they can explain, "how did they know they were ready" so that I can learn something. Are you ever really ready - me: the planner, Type A personality, may have to accept that I may never feel fully prepared for such a life-altering event.
Here's the other part of expectations that I have given a lot of thought to this year - they can provide a constant battle field. I am realizing that Danny and I have spent a good chunk of our nearly two year marriage (and nearly five years of being a couple) battling each other's expectations for the other person. Each of us was modeled a marriage of longevity (my grandparents, 64+ years; my parents, 40 years; his parents, 39 years). Yet, what has worked for a couple is always going to be unique to the two people in the relationship. I have come to accept and try to understand that I have expectations for what a good, healthy marriage should look like, whereas Danny has his own (different) expectations. SPECTACULAR! Still, he and I are working on it each and every day - some times with more success than others; but the most important thing, I hope, is that we are trying.
For now, please know that Danny and I are scared to death about the thought of having non-fur child(ren). Asking when it will happen, or reminding me that I am not getting any younger, or asking me if I think I will be a good parent, are not particularly helpful. Rather, I would appreciate a reinforcement of the sentiment that I received from a dear friend: this is not something that is necessarily in our hands - I cannot plan everything (dammit! they may not stop me from trying). Or for all the parents out there perhaps you have some insights on - how you decided you were ready (or, again, as ready as you were going to get?)
Until then, I am going to enjoy my time with my husband, work on my MBA, and do my best to spread the feelings of happiness that I receive from so many people.
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