I Wear his Shirts; I Hear her Voice

Throughout my undergraduate education at Indiana University (HOOSIERS!), I took a few rock 'n' roll history courses. During the first day of one of those classes the professor asked us to raise our hands in order to identify what part of the music we each listened to, as we tend to fall in to one of two groups: the beat/instrumental or the lyrics. I am in the latter category, which is part of why I enjoy some country music. I take flack for it, but I do enjoy songs that tell stories or have something to say. For the record, talk of tractors, drinking on planes, or alcohol in general do not qualify. 

Anyway, to my point of "outing myself as something of a country music fan," I really like a song by Lee Brice called, "I Drive Your Truck." It is about a guy whose brother was killed in combat. Rather than going to visit his brother's grave, he feels close to him by driving his truck. 

Ever since I lost my Grandpop earlier this year, I have found myself thinking a lot about the process of grieving. Not just the loss of my paternal grandfather, but also my maternal grandmother as these are two losses that have had a profound impact on my life. Just like the guy in the song, I do not feel close to either of them at their graves, but rather in other ways.

My maternal grandmother (my Mom-Mom) passed away when I was in high school. When I think of her I think of buttons, the beach, Disney World, a really comfortable chair with an ottoman, and this one very distinct conversation. I have this larger than life chair and ottoman that I refuse to part with even though it does not really fit in my house anymore, I think in large part because it reminds me of sitting in her apartment in Baltimore in that chair with my feet propped up. There was also that conversation. I was just starting to reach the age where it was fun and cool to really chat with your grandparents, and I was telling her about this English teacher that I had in high school who was really giving me fits (Highland alums - think Junior Year with Mrs. Berg). This teacher really made me feel less than; and my Mom-Mom's response, "you don't have to take that from her!" It was the sassiest thing I had ever heard Dorothy Poist say, and it has stuck with me! 

I have this bulldozer in my life, a person who drives me absolutely crazy, and I have recently realized that I can apply what Mom-Mom said to me then, "I don't have to take that from her!" And you know what, I am not going to anymore. 

Grandpop, my paternal grandfather, was the only grandfather I grew up with as my Pop-Pop (maternal grandfather) passed away when I was around 4 1/2. His loss has been very difficult for our family, but we keep him close in many ways including wearing his flannel shirts. He had a quality collection of flannel shirts, and everyone went home with one. I also have a scratchy wool sweater that I wear at times when I really miss him. Yes, it's real love if you are willing to wear an itchy wool sweater that gives off a Mr. Rogers vibe. 

I am still caught off guard at times by my feelings of grief. I will be minding my own business, and a thought will float in to my mind, and I will just be overcome with emotion. I have been thinking about him a lot during the baseball playoffs. He would have been especially impressed by the play of many of the outfielders as he always appreciated a good throw to the plate. I also taught Danny to keep score at a game, just like Grandpop taught me. 

I have also been thinking a lot about my going to my grandparents' house in November for Thanksgiving. He won't be there to greet me with a "HiYa!" and a kiss on the cheek. My Grandmom will be there, however, and I cannot wait to give her a big hug. She is so tiny, I am always afraid I will break her, but I know she understands my need to hold her tight.

Please hold on tight to those you love, we only have a finite amount of time together, and it's never enough. Until I am reconnected with my Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop, along with my Grandpop, I am going to continue to wear his shirts, and hear her voice.