Ten on Tuesday: Ten Things THIS WOMAN Needs to Stop Doing

 I am going to try to get back on track with the Ten on Tuesday series. I recently came across an article from HuffPost Women entitled, "23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing." Not every item applied to me, but there were (at least) 10 that really resonated with me. Each item is in bold along with selected notes from the article. My own oratory is provided in green.

Summary: I am a work in progress. I hope, perhaps, that you are too. 

1. Apologizing all the time. Research has shown that women actually do say sorry more often than men. ... There's no need to qualify everything you do. Own your preferences and decisions.
   
   
   I am an over-apologizer. I had a boss at one point who was really trying to get me to stop apologizing, especially when it was not my fault. There was an incident in which my co-worker and I set off the morning alarm because she arrived late. My boss had to come deal with it. I did not apologize - since I had not done anything wrong. She took me aside later to say that she was proud of me for not apologizing. I am trying.
   
   
2. Saying "yes" to everyone else. Stop saying "yes" when you don't truly mean it. People actually respect you more when you set boundaries.
   
   
   It is extremely difficult for me to say no. I feel as though I am letting someone, somewhere down by not doing what is asked of me. After many years of stretching myself far too thin I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot be everything to everyone at all times. This is also where personal resentment builds up at which time I am not very good to anyone. Trust me, the irony is not lost there... The point is, I am trying to find more of a balance of saying "yes" because I want to, not because I have to.
   
   
3. Saying "no" to yourself. Don't allow your insecurities and anxieties to make your decisions for you - you'll only end up missing out on worthwhile experiences. 
   
   
   This one ties directly to number seven. I turned down a teaching position in a Chicago area school because I was too scared to take it. I miss teaching most every day. Yet I like the life that has been created by me/for me regardless of that decision. Still, I have tried to learn from it by not making the same mistake more than once. Moving over a 1,000 miles away from my life in Indiana was a step in that direction.
   
   
4. Viewing food as the enemy. Women often receive the message that our ultimate worth lies in our looks. In the quest to achieve unrealistic goals, it's easy to see food as something to contend with rather than enjoy. Be cognizant of what you put in your body - after all, it's the only one you have - but try to do away with the guilt.
   
   
   Oh, food. I have such a weird relationship with food. I have put on weight that is not helpful toward my quest for number five. I am on a journey to find a healthy body image, and something that is attainable and then sustainable. 
   
   
5. Body-snarking - out loud or in your own head. Stop putting your looks down, period. 
   
   
   I am the queen of body-snarking, which is not a source of pride. In my head, and often out-loud, I find myself asking if I look like a chunky-monkey. My teenage awkward phase lasted well into my 20s, and still sneaks in to my early 30s. I am blessed to have a husband who tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, but I need to be more willing to say that for myself about myself. If only I could get my complexion to acknowledge I am in fact no longer going through puberty - enough with the pimples, seriously!
   
   
6. Comparing your real life to someone else's virtual one. Spending a ton of time obsessing over your own online life can be anxiety-provoking - but so can obsessing over other peoples' virtual personas. Research has shown that Facebook addiction is correlated with lower self-esteem. 
   
   
   I think part of my struggle with a virtual presence has to do with not feeling photogenic, and coveting other people's experiences There are just some people who either don't take a bad picture or just have the good sense not to post it. I also know that I am never going to get everything that I want to do, and that's okay. I am going to do my best while simultaneously living vicariously through other people. Such as my girlfriend who is moving to Maui. I don't think vicarious living gets any better than that one! 
   
   
   I also try to remember that someone reminded me that based on what he sees on Facebook - he thinks I have a good, fun life. I do. So I want to focus on that fact.
   
   
7. Holding on to regrets and guilt. Guilt and regret are two emotions that usually serve to torture the person feeling them. Acknowledge your regrets and guilts, and then move on to the best of your ability.
   
   
   I have already shared one of my biggest regrets that I am trying so hard to let go of - still on some level a daily process. I am also working to let go of resentment. Let it go, Laurie. Say it with me...
   
   
8. WebMD-ing everything. Step away from the internet doctor and go see a real one if you're 
   truly worried.
   
   
   Before I was diagnosed with pronounced reflux I spent a lot of time on WebMD. Then once that issue was resolved and the esophageal spasms set in, I would spend even more time trying to diagnose myself. First of all, every ailment I described based on the fact that I was a woman would return a diagnoses that I was pregnant. Oh your foot hurts and you're female - I must be pregnant.  Regardless of this ridiculousness, I have expended a lot of nervous energy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Fortunately, my in-person doctor helped me out, for real. Without even considering I was pregnant. 
   
   
9. Being embarrassed about your interests. If you love girly things, love girly things. If you don't, don't. If there's a particular subject area that you don't know about but you encounter someone who does, take the opportunity to ask questions.
   
   
   It is no secret that I love sports, but is it also known that I love the theater and museums and art and so many other aspects of culture? I was raised to have a variety of interests, and I am forever grateful for the exposure to different culture aspects. I recently received a box from my grandparents through my dear aunt of over 20 Shirley Temple VHS tapes. I love Shirley Temple! I cannot wait until I can get Danny to hook up the VCR that also came in the box. I also love old black and white movies, musicals, and museums. While I don't always understand art, I still like to go and escape into the piece before me. 
   
   
   I often tailor my topics of discussion to the person that I am talking with - very chameleon like at times. I love passion - even if it is about something I do not completely understand, if someone is passionate (or even not), I want to hear about it. Except perhaps Economics as Professor Witte (who was not at all witty) may have ruined that forever.
   
   
10. Setting deadlines for major life events. Don't try to meticulously plan out when you should find love or have babies or get your dream job or buy that amazing brownstone. Enjoy the uncertainty of life and allow yourself to be overjoyed when you hit those milestones or pleasantly surprised when you realize you want to skip out on some of them all together.
    
    
    Holy-moly. You know that I am a planner. Still, I have begrudgingly accepted that I cannot in fact plan every aspect of my life. I did not plan to re-connect with Danny and marry him. I did not plan to come to Denver six plus years ago. I did not plan for us to move to Lakewood. And look how well those decisions have turned out. 

Honorable Mention

• Fearing being alone. There are certain things you have control over - like trying to go on dates, and actively meeting new people - and others which you simply don't. There are far worse things than being alone.

About a month before Danny and I started dating (for real this time), I broke up with the first boyfriend I had had in over three years. I went on a few random dates, but I was not in a relationship for an extended period of time. This was one of the best things I could have done for myself as I realized that I was okay by myself. I have also come to realize that I do not have a fear of loneliness, but rather isolation. Now that Danny and I are married, I find this fear is even more pronounced. Danny and I cannot be everything for each other - it is important to us that each of us have outside interests. Of course there is overlap, but I like that we can be away from each other as needed/wanted. I am grateful that we have a life outside of this house, and that each of us can travel separately when the situation calls for it. Finding a balance that works for us separately and together is a work in progress. Still, I appreciate that both of us are committed to looking for it.