Searching for my Blogging Voice

I know the feeling, Kermit!

While I was never really a fan of the Muppets (I preferred Disney characters), I have found myself thinking a lot about Kermit 's signature saying, "it's not easy being green." Only in my case the phrase becomes, "it's not easy being sensitive." Another way to say this, I kind of feel as though I lost my "blogging voice." Or one could say, how many quotes can I fit in such a short paragraph...

This blog started back in January, 2012 primarily as a New Year's Resolution; as it was something that I had thought about for a long time, and the rationale of a wedding planning coping mechanism was just the push I probably needed. Well 18 or so months later I find myself at something of a crossroads. I have resigned myself to the fact that I doubt it is never going to be a daily endeavor, and I think that's okay although that seems to be how blogs really grow their audiences. Yet, I do not have that much to say,  nor is the life Danny, Spike, and I lead that interesting. 

Also in the spirit of true honesty, I had my confidence sails ripped down by some not nice men that I do not know, nor will I ever meet, who totally slammed me and my thoughts. In an effort to grow my audience, I shared my post that detailed my experience with the Seattle Mariners ticket office  with a group of baseball stadium aficionados. To be honest, enough time has passed that I think the whole thing is kind of funny. While I had one ally, I truly felt as though I had my lunch money stolen on the playground by a bunch of bullies. I mean it they ripped me apart. So I did the only thing I could - removed my post, and left the group - or to continue the childish behavior metaphor, took my marbles and went home.

What is not so easy is regaining the confidence to put myself out there on this forum. Although on Sunday, politics may have been the push I needed to find something that could resemble courage as I found myself thinking about a remark from Khaled Hosseni (author of The Kite Runner, A Thousand Splendid Suns, and And the Mountains Echoed), "if a writer has something to say, they just HAVE to write it down." Denise and I heard him speak on a very warm evening in Boulder - in a church with no air conditioning. His books are phenomenal though, and he was fun to hear speak. I digress.

I think I was putting too much pressure on myself, by losing sight of what this blog is for - me and my ridiculous mind (hence the title, Sheer Ridiculousness). This is the closest thing I have ever had to a journal, and also one of the only New Year's Resolution that has ever amounted to much of anything.  

I have never been the person who has a million friends, nor do I enjoy being the center of attention, and even more-so Killmers tend to stink at self-promotion. So I was probably off in thinking this could become something more than what it is, and that needs to be okay. I am flattered when "real live" people tell me they enjoyed something, and I am always grateful when my family responds with kind words. The greatest compliment may be my grandparents telling me that they enjoy reading my "blob."  

The written word in general is a funny medium, if you think about it. The writer puts something out there for varying number of people to read/judge/speculate on often without any kind of a response making it back to the author. I realized that I am just as guilty as anyone else. I read my magazines, blogs, newspaper, etc. thinking a myriad of thoughts that the author will never know for better or worse.

So what is my point? I need to stop letting those "meanie-poopy head" boys from the Baseball Chasers group who appeared to have no idea what to do with a woman who knows baseball stop getting me down. I will continue to share my ridiculousness with the world as needed, or if only for the sake of needing to get it out of my brain. For as a former colleague liked to say, there is only so much space up there, and I don't always have room for that sh*t.